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Jason Perlman - Sherlock is Home

from Bushwick Book Club presents SHERLOCK HOLMES by The Bushwick Book Club

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lyrics

Sherlock is Home

I’ve lived for years on Baker Street – 221B’s the address.
It’s a quiet old flat on a quiet old street, with strictly no bother or mess.
But the quiet old years, they ended, when this man moved in upstairs
And now my days and nights are filled with worries and with cares.

When you choke
On the smoke
From the puffing of his pipe
Still you’re grateful that he’s pondering in silence
But when you’re snatched
From your slumber
By the screeching of his fiddle
You’re tempted to meet violins with violence.

Not to speak
Of the squeaks
As stampeding up the stairs
Comes a never-ending cavalcade of clients
Or the fumes
And the flames
From the frightful apparatus
With which he dabbles dodgily in science.

In short
To deduce
If the flat upstairs is taken by an irritating, calculating sleuth –
If the noises from your neighbor make you gnash your teeth and foam
You can bet that Sherlock is home!

Now, I’ve tried to ask him nicely to keep the volume down.
He just said he could tell from a look at my lapel I'd been born near Winchester town.
When I tried to direct his attention back to the matter at hand
He said it was plain that I’d spent time in Spain – just from the way that I stand.

I ask you!

Well I left in a huff and I took my case to Mrs. H, the landlady.
She told me, “Ah love, ‘e pays rent like a lord, so what do I care if ‘e’s shady?”
Well I hoped for justice from the Metropolitan P’lice Department
But the cop said, “Let’s face it, ‘e solves ‘alf our cases – ‘oo cares ‘ow ‘e treats ‘is apartment?”


So now I’m stuck -
Shit out of luck.

When you trample
On a tramp
When you’re stepping off your stoop
And he says he’s one of Mr. Holmes’ informants
And there’s a racket
Of revolvers
As the doctor and detective
Hold a tournament in targeting performance.

Never once
Does he ask
If you’d care to come upstairs
For a drink or for a neighborly tea party
And the only one
Who listens
When you tell your tale of woe
Is a sympathetic chap named.. Moriarty

In short
To deduce
If the flat upstairs is taken by an irritating, calculating sleuth -
If you’re woken by the sound of a diabolic hound,
If the woman comes to scheme about a scandal in Bohemia,
If there’s morphine and cocaine fairly dripping down the drain,
If there are bloody brutal brawls up the stairs and down the halls,
If the horrors that you’ve known are enough to fill a tome,
You can bet that Sherlock
(Be sure to lock up yer lock)
You can bet that Sherlock is home!

credits

from Bushwick Book Club presents SHERLOCK HOLMES, released March 31, 2013

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The Bushwick Book Club Brooklyn, New York

We started in January 2009 playing songs written in response to Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions. We haven't stopped since. We've written & performed songs inspired by everything from "On The Origin of Species" to Dr. Seuss to Raymond Carver. There are BBCs popping up nationwide now. Bushwick Book Club Seattle started in 2010 & is run by Geoff Larson. Our nerdy dare-devilry knows no bounds. ... more

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